Chasing The Impossible
by Nym13
Summary: Barry regrets going back in time to save his mom, because Caitlin is one of those that suffers the consequences. In the years to come they find, loose and find each other again. Because everyone knows behind every Flash is a Dr. Caitlin Snow. R&R. A story of angst, healing and second chances. Can be a friendship fic, can be more.


**An:** Hi guys I'm Nym and I'm new and this is my first Flash fanfic story. It's inspired by the trailers for the final episode. Hope you like it.

 **Summary:** Barry regrets going back in time to save his mom because Caitlin is one of those that suffers the consequenes of his decision. They find, loose and find each other in the aftermath.

Read and Review please!

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Chasing the Impossible

by: Nym13

...

..

.

It must have been the lost look in her eyes that made him stay. Seeing the shallow shell of a woman he used to know. A woman who was both broken and used.

"Are you sure you're alright?" He asks her and she stops staring at the beach house near coast city that he'd pick for her a week ago and instead gazes at him.

"Alright? Is this what it feels like? Then yes, I'm alright." she tells him softly and unstraps her seatbelt and steps out of the pick-up truck he's rented for the day. He hears the soft thud as she closes the door and he sighs silently to himself, both arms resting on the stirring wheel, his back bent and his hands cradling his tired face. It seems to him that everyday he looses a bit of himself too...losses a bit more of Barry Allen to make room for the Flash.

Since he received his 'super powers', he'd never felt drawn to own any automobile, but at moments like this, he's seriously thinking of owning one.

He's used to things happening to him in a flash, sometimes he needs to feel in control of something too.

Because for someone who moves so fast, he wishes for some things to take the slow route too.

He eyes her then, her back was facing him and noticed that her long auburn hair was slowly gaining back its usual luster, for it used to be frigid and pale.

He thinks that Caitlin Snow had never been the same since the particle accelerator blew up, that he knew, he just wished...actually he didn't know what he wishes for anymore. It all turns out to bite him back in the arse and screws him over that he ends up regretting those wishes. Be careful what you wish for, he reminds himself that now.

Caitlin was his friend though and he wishes he could do some thing for her and help her. Admittedly, she was first his physician, second a colleague and ally but ultimately he was her friend. She's been with him in his beginnings and he wonders if this was where they end.

He sighs and steps out of the car, he gazes at her and wonders if she's scared to step into her new home, like he is of letting her go. He always had attachment issues, he's always been one who does not move on easily, one who could never take that first step and maybe that's why he runs.

"Barry, you won't see me again won't you?" She says, and he startles. She doesn't even turn to look at him but there's this prickling stab at his heart and everything slows down and it hurts, the pain stretching out in a void of nothing and everything. He walks towards her then, she doesn't stir, and he hesitates before reaching for her hand. He notes it's cold, but not as cold as it was before. He twists it in his palms and threads his fingers through hers and holds it tightly, she squeezes in return.

"I will, if you want me too." And he looks at her and sees a tear roll down the corner of her eye. She bites her lips then.

In all but a second he recalls everything that happened for almost the past three years of his life, since he met her. Barry vaguely hears Cisco telling him why they should do this, recalls that conversation. That conversation where they decided to cut ties with her.

A decision he's not sure he could own up to. A promise he doubts he could fulfill.

* * *

 _...two weeks ago..._

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"Are you crazy? We are not abandoning Caitlin!" He told Cisco adamantly.

"Look Barry, I care about her too. She's my friend too, but it's the best for her."

"We just got her back. She's going to be alright." He insisted and Cisco only looks more somber.

"Did we? That's no longer Caitlin and you know it." And he pauses then because it's true and the pain in his heart instantly weakens him.

When he first left to change the future the particle accelerator once again blew up and Caitlin was hit by it. When he went to the past he realized he made a big mistake of saving his mother. To undo this he travelled back in time again.

His mother told him to allow her to die, it wasn't his fault, that it was her destiny as much as being the flash was his. And so that time, he made up his mind and changed nothing. After he cried his eyes and mourned for his mother the second time, and somehow was a loss more painful than the first, he turned on his heel and he went back to his time to find it so full of destruction. He almost didn't recognize it in its bleakness and heartache.

Eobard Thawne was gone.

And an army was built to hunt down Metahumans, as the second particle accelerator once again caused havoc and now, the public knew the truth. And they were angry, not even their love for the Flash can make them change their minds of seeing all meta humans as threats to society.

And Caitlin was one of the victims. That's what he found out when he arrived bak to his time and saw her in one of Starlab's operating beds. In a catatonic state, pale and white as a ghost. Ronnie, her husband wasn't there as he too was on the run. He wondered if Caitlin was going to die.

Caitlin lay cold and she stayed perpetually so for next months. Cisco had said that she still had brain activity and so they waited as days dragged on she seemed to grow paler and colder despite doing everything they could to wam her up again.

Until Ronnie dropped by and visited her. It was the first time he'd seen his wife in months, so Barry could understand why he rushed towards her and held tightly to her hand.

With a single touch Caitlin woke up. They were excited as the greeted her, but the frightened look on her face was something Barry will never forget, because she didn't recognized any of them not even herself.

Caitlin instantly felt drawn to Ronnie, for it was only him that she warmed up to both figuratively and literally and Barry couldn't help but miss her, their talks, their warm hugs, her worrying and her trying to make him laugh even her voice in the intercom as he speed his way through his mission, Cisco's voice just didn't feel the same.

When he tries to talk to her and she looks at him with those confused brown eyes, he feels guilty, because she doesn't recognize him and he knows despite what everyone would say, he knows that he did that to her.

He stole everything from her, her life as a doctor, her life as someone's wife, her memories and even just her chance to have a normal life.

Because if he hadn't been a selfish prick and went back in time, he could have been here to protect them and save her. Eobard wouldn't have escaped, the particle exelerator wouldn't have blew up, and their wouldnt be a war between meta-humans and humans if he wasn't distracted by his selfishness. Because he would have been here and prevented it instead of causing it. Eobard's words still haunt him at night, 'How many more people should die for your mistakes'.

The day Ronnie died was the day Killer Frost was born. They lost him at an epic battle and Caitlin had suffered without him. Her hands got colder every day. She kept stealing warmth from machines but it wasn't enough. She was draining the power of their facilities. Joe warned him that keeping Caitlin would be dangerous especially since everyone was after her now with her being a meta-human and they could no longer hide her, especially with the government issuing a court order to take over star labs.

Caitlin was increasingly becoming unstable, and his inability to talk to her and comfort her was slowly making him desperate and more depressed.

He missed Caitlin, he's grown dependent on her that he didn't even realize it.

One day she fled from Star Labs and the world saw her suck the heat and life out of a person and someone had took a video of it and broadcasted on the evening news. Caitlin Snow's face was everywhere!

Barry arrived before she could kill more people and brought her back to Star Labs. But it was too late she's bitten on the apple and the world had the pleasure of seeing it. It also caused and addiction to develop on her. He dragged her into a secluded ally to talk to her.

"You don't know how it feels to feel nothing but cold. To not have emotions and be numb. It felt so good to feel that warmth. So delicious to kill. Who are you anyway, why do you even care what I do?" he remembered stepping away from her when he heard those words and he never knew how Caitlin was so far gone until that day.

Captain Cold arrived then and struck him with his cold gun while he was distracted and recruited Caitlin to be part of his team.

Team Starlabs was gone and it would never return. Cisco tried to lighten the mood by calling Caitlin the Heat Vampire, but it honestly just drove him insane. He knew Cisco was just trying to cope with the loss of Caitlin much like he was. He used to wonder if he was coping at all or was just sulking.

But she did return a month later and she was this otherworldly being. With long and straight blonde locks and even paler skin, an outfit so revealing, it would put to shame Caitlin's school principal clothes. She walked with an air of confidence so different from Caitlin's. She was cold and dangerous. She called herself Killer Frost.

She became someone none of them recognized. For she wasn't Dr. Caitlin Snow anymore who saved lives, who helped people and puts their needs before hers. She was Killer Frost who murders people for selfish reason. Everyone feared her but none more so than Barry. Because he knew that despite everything Killer Frost was one enemy he was most hesitant to hurt.

It took more than a year to apprehend her, which was also the length of time they needed to develop a cure for Caitlin. She needed to be exposed to the particle accelerator again. Normally, Barry would have objected because it could kill her, but everyone around him wanted her dead and to pay for her crimes. Even other heroes screamed for justice. The only reason she was blasted with a particle accelerator again was he and Cisco pleaded that she be blasted with the particle accelerator instead, and they hope that she would die. And she did die. Again. And the pain just kept on magnifying.

But Caitlin survived, because apparently impossible things seem to have the knack of happening to him.

When Caitlin woke up, she didn't remember anything about being Killer Frost or of being a doctor but she did, nor recognized Barry though she did remember Ronnie and felt familiar with Cisco. She had some memories with her still those were hazy too. They had to hide her because the world wanted her dead.

Reminiscing all these Barry felt the need to fight for Caitlin. He just can't accept what Cisco had said, they had Caitlin, it must be her.

"I can't loose her again Cisco, I've already lost so much. She's there Cisco, somewhere there is where Caitlin is buried. Can't you see we're getting near her. We're getting her back." he tells her and Cisco sighs.

"That's right Barry, Caitlin is buried we faked her death. And if they find her and knew you were hiding her they'd loose faith in the flash. Your battles aren't over, the world needs you and Caitlin she's done. She's used up and broken by this world." protest was forming on his lips but Cisco wasn't done yet, "This could be her last chance at a normal life. To be undisturbed and free. For her to make new memories, good ones where she doesn't feel the weight of responsibility and pain. A clean slate. Don't we owe her that. If we love Caitlin and who she used to be, we have to set her free." And he couldn't argue because Cisco was right. Because honestly somewhere in his heart he wishes for that normalcy too. Now that he has been the Flash, he couldn't help but miss not being the hero to not have the impossible be his reality.

"Alright, we'll do it."

* * *

 _...end of flashback..._

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Caitlin Snow was lost and has lost everything and she's found again. He's pulled from his reverie when Caitlin speaks.

"I don't want to be alone." She tells him silently.

"You won't be." He promises her and she looks at him then, with a soft but sad smile.

"You're lying, but I'll pretend I believe you." And as she walks slowly towards the house Barry had this need to reach out and hold her and so he did. He grabbed Caitlin's arm spun her around and locked her in his arm his cheek settles at the top of her head and he breathes her in.

"Why are you hugging me?" She asks him and he smiles.

"I thought you could use a hug." He gently releases his hold on her then.

"I noticed you don't smile too much. I'm not leaving until I put that back on." he tells her and she sighs, "So if I smile would you leave then?"

"I'll leave if you learn to smile on your own about nothing, everything and just living."

And she smiles, because she might have lost many things, but one thing she hasn't lost is her belief in Barry.

"Besides," Barry begins as he release his hold on her but still didn't let go of her hand,"I have to bring you coffee from Jitters every morning."

"You don't have to do that." She tells him and he shrugs, "It was our routine, back when we were still friends, come on admit it you can't function without your caffein." Barry teases and Caitlin laughs.

"Is that true, because I for one thought the coffee you brought me tasted terrible." Caitlin says and Barry pouts, "You've never complained before."

"Maybe...I just liked the one bringing me coffee. So you don't have to do that for me. It's alright, I'm going to be okay." Caitlin says almost as an after thought as she averts her attention from him and instead casted her gaze at the cabin. Barry's eyes remain on her though, and as he sees the wind sweeping the hair around her long neck and he knows, he just believes that Caitlin, his Caitlin will one day come back. But who she was now wasn't so bad either. He squeezes her hand in his, she looks at him questioningly and he grins at her.

"Maybe I just like doing the small things for you too." And Caitlin laughs and so does he. Because honestly, though this Caitlin is new, he likes her too.

Because Caitlin will always believe in Barry even when he's not the Flash, and Barry believes he was always meant to save Caitlin even when she changes. And that's what they have. The belief in the impossible.

 **Fin.**

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 **An:** Share your thoughts? Please?


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